Wednesday, October 11, 2006

In My Heart Forever

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I would dear say most people didn't even know there was such a day. I never heard of it until after I lost our angle
On April 16, 2004 life as i knew it changed, I had to life though the biggest heart break and pain I had ever felt. I was laying there on the ultra sound table listening to the tech telling me everything looked good, everything was in place so there was really no reason for my spotting, but then she said, OH now I'm not seeing a heart beat. I was 13 weeks along with my little bean. There should have been a heartbeat.

No one goes into the joy of pregnancy thinking it will end like this. This baby wasn't planned for us. Two months earlier I stood in the bathroom looking at the + home PG test i went into shock, it took about a day and another home test to have it sink in we were going to have a baby, this would be baby #4 , Oh me i was going to have 4 kids, what would I do with 4 kids.. but by day 2 I was maddly in love with my baby. I started to show early with her also, you know after having 3 kids there were no tone in my tummy. So as this baby made herself comfy in there my tummy just popped right on out there.
Everynight after putting the older 3 kids to sleep and DH went to work, I would lay in bed and we would have these nice long talks, about all the stuff she was going to do once she was born. How she was going to have two big sisters and a big brother who were going to make her crazy, but that they already loved her jsut as much as mommy and daddy did. You know when there is a little life growing in you, you have all sorts of hopes and dreams for that little tiny person. How was I going to except that my baby was gone, that her little body was still inside of me but she had already gone home to be with God.
A few hours after my ultrasound that day i was sitting in with my OB, almost begging him to tell me this was a mistake, that that perfect little baby with the tiny perfect head and those cute little arms and legs that i had just saw on the ultrasound was going to be ok, that i would get to hold my little girl in my arms, that this was all just a mistake. Sadly he couldn't tell me that, what he was telling me is that i had a Missed Miscarrage and I had two opptions, i could wait and see if the baby passed on her own, but he told me that could be painful(like labour) and there is a chance of ending up in the hospital anyways, or to have a D&C. I was in no way shape or form able to make this sort of decission in the state i was in. I was still thinking as long as she was still inside of me we had hope.
Four days later I picked the D&C. So a week after finding out my baby was gone, I got up early early in the morning to go to the hospital.. I don't remember much of that day except crying my eyes out alot. I do remember being wheeled into the OR and crying and crying, I was drugged, you know that stage right before you fall asleep for surgery. But i remember this like yesterday. As I was crying and crying, my OB bent over and asked me if i was Ok, I yelled "NO i'm not ok, don't take my baby, i want my baby please I want my baby" My OB started to cry also, he put his arm around my head, sort of hugging my head and he wipped my tears away as tears were flowing down his face also, he bent over and kissed the top of my head and said "i know, i'm so sorry" and that is the last thing i remember before waking up in recovery.
There is just so much i could write here, like what happend in recovery and how i couldn't stop crying and saying I want my baby back. or how i felt numb and sick the rest of the day. It wasn't until I got home and my kids got home that I had to pull myself together to be there mom, Sweet Pea climbed into bed with me still a baby herself and wanted to nurse, so i nursed her and that really helped. Princess brought me roses, and Mr Man gave me the biggest hug and kiss. Princess and Mr Man took this really hard REALLY HARD.

God used this though, Something broke in me when we lost Alyssa that i know will never be fixed until We are home with the Lord, but I grew, I grew So much. There has never been a time in my life up to that point or since that I had to learn to lean on God so much. The Only thing that got me though day to day was resting in Gods arm. Knowing that i could never make sences of why my baby was gone, but trusting that God was in control, and even if I don't know why, there is a reason, there is a plan and God was there to get me though this.

I didn't write down who wrote this, but it was in my devotions booklets at the time of dealing with the lose of Alyssa and i wrote it down and kept it

For all the heartaches and the tears
For gloomy days and restless years
I do give thanks , for now I know
These were the things that helped me grow

Today i was in my closet and opened up the box that i keep Alyssa's things in, and came across that pome and felt i should blog it even if I don't know who the auther is. In my box i have a blanket i had bought for her, the roses that Princess gave me on the day of the d&c the + home PG test, and the three ultra sound pic.

Yes October 15th is pregnancy and infant lose Rememberance day, but even if it wasn't, This time of the year would alway touch my heart and have me remembering my little angle. She was due Octber 29, 2004, which just so happend to be mine and DH's 10 year wedding anniversary. I never excepted her to be born that day, I was planning her to come early, just like her 3 older sisters and brother. Princess was 15 days early, so was Mr Man and Sweet Pea came 16 days early. so going by that October 13, 14 or 15th sounds about right for the time she would have been placed in my arms.
This week Alyssa would have been having her 2nd birthday. My Little Girl would have been 2 years old. I'm sure she would have looked like her two big sisters with blond hair and blue eyes and just as cute as a button. I wonder what she would have wanted her birthday theme to be and what kind of cake she would have asked for. At two years old Princess wanted The Little Mermaid and Sweet Pea wanted Strawberry Shortcake. Whatever it would have been it would have been the best day.

Happy Birthday sweet girl, even if mommy can't be there to sing Happy birthday to you. I love you and miss you very much, Love mommy.

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